Hope To The Next Moment

Every single day I am reminded that I am a minority in this country. Everyday I am constantly told that my rights are not equal to every one else’s because of my race and sexuality. Every day I have to encounter a racist joke and homophobic slur and almost every day I hold my composure. I’m respectful to the opposition even when they often do not extend me the same courtesy. Most days I’m very stoic and relentless in my resolve against conflict and strife. And on some days like today it is just so overwhelming that I want to cry.

Sometimes I do allow myself those moments to let it all out and yell, curse, and have a full out bellowing cry, which is what was going on about a half hour before I started writing this entry. Having so called “friends” call you their “black gay friend” as some term of endearment when it’s really a condemnation is grating and so condescending. And whenever I hear it, a barrage of emotions hit me like I’m a possession instead of a person, that I’m not human, abnormal, or somehow less than. Add that to normal every day racism/homophobia from politicians, irate radio hosts, and religious zealots, today left me emotionally overwhelmed. Angry. Hurt. When moments like these happen I have to remind myself of the next moment that’s left after hope is the only thing there.

I talk about hope constantly. Relentlessly.  I’m sure some may say, annoyingly. But I believe in the ideal, the philosophy of hope. The best way I can explain it is that when all else is lost it is the only thing left. Look at Pandora’s Box, or The Audacity of Hope from President Obama. It’s just when I’ve hit my absolute rock bottom hope gets me to the next moment. Maybe it’ll be the moment I’ve been waiting for my entire life or more of the same but as long as I’m existing it gets me to progress and to move forward. To move forward to equality so that the next generation doesn’t have to vent out their anguish and pain late at night on a blog.

My mind begins to wander about where we are in our fight for equality. The progress made along with how far we need to go as we fight against the inequities disguised as religious martyrdom and political maneuvering. It’s daunting to attempt to describe that fast changing environment. Successes and failures in the advancement of equal rights for gays and lesbians to marry as well as have protection against discrimination in the workplace and laws in place to protect us from hate crimes. There’s 6 states that allow same sex marriage. And a close to a dozen that allow civil unions with several other states voting on this issue this election year. We have to remain vigilant against the conservative right that continually use things like DOMA to oppose marriage equality. We also have to be concerned with issues like EDNA and ensuring LGBTQ aren’t discriminated against in the workplace. And as I think about how far we are with this fight for equality I can’t help but think of those who’ve fought before us.

I think of my parents in moments when I feel like this. Knowing that to an extent they’ve experienced persecution because of skin color they have such a powerful insight. My parents grew up in a time where segregation was not only legal, it was reviled as the accepted behavior of the majority, especially in the south. It was legal to prevent a Caucasian and African American as well as any other different raced couples to marry. To get a job, go to a store, even buy food was a daily obstacle and a true example of resilience. All because the only color that mattered and had power to fully enjoy the freedoms of our country and be protected by it’s laws was Caucasian. Hate was used as justification even though it was disguised as religious freedom and birthright. Just so much vitriol and hate. Hate is a powerful thing that consumes and what it has in passion or conviction, it also lacks in logic or compassion. I keep reminding myself during these times that history is repeating itself.

When I talk to my parents as well as other African Americans that grew up during that Civil Rights era I hear about threats, vandalism, degradation, beatings, or worse in the pursuit of equality. It always resonates with me so much. The stories mirror each other. We are in the in between. The in between is time in which rights are slowly being won and restored but it’s still an uphill battle. It’s the next step in the Civil Rights Frontier. I won’t ever stop being gay just like my parents, my ancestors, or myself can stop being African American, Native American, Irish, Creole, Jamaican, or Israeli. I love every part of me and who I am without hesitation. Even when exhausted and feeling down on nights like this, I think of the rich history of my ancestors. It motivates me to keep fighting for equality. Their stories talked about the same frustration and anguish that I feel right now. How even when progress was made, they had to dig deep within themselves and let hope nourish them to continue forward and I will do the same.

That’s why I always talk about hope. Always insist upon hope even when it seems hopeless. It’s not just about wishing. It’s about determination, willpower, and strength. Because our fight is not just about marriage but also discrimination in the workplace and protection from those that wish to harm us just for being who we are. I hope that in a generation’s time that the pain of my parents generation as well as ours that true equality is no longer an issue of debate. That justice and liberty truly have won out against the prejudices of our ancestors and fellow human beings. That we’ve evolved from using categories to describe ourselves and no longer look for sage meanings to comfort us when we have been oppressed.  And that hope is what takes me to the next moment.

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Born From Two Worlds But Welcomed To None?

I’ve debated whether to blog these thoughts all week. I’ve edited, cried, made two separate blogs, drank, thrown it all out, cried and drank again, then rinsed and repeated. And yes even though some of this is from an unfinished blog entry that I’ve been saving, this is also inspired from both Anderson Cooper and Frank Ocean coming out (to an extent for Ocean) and how the reaction has been towards these two men publicly admitting they’re gay or had relations with men has been from fans on twitter, tumblr, gossip sites, anywhere, are completely different. By the way if you haven’t read Frank Ocean’s letter, do so now. It’s almost been a week and it’s still shaken me to the core. For the sake of this discussion I’ll be focusing on the reaction from Frank’s fans and criticizers even though I can relate to Anderson’s glass closet approach to coming out, but that’s another blog entry. To fully delve into this topic so that you can gain a perspective on my perceptions of what it’s really like for ethnic minorities in the gay community means sharing aspects, memories, and experiences that I rarely put so bluntly and raw. I try to be my witty self but some of this isn’t meant to cause a smirk or a chuckle. Truthfully, I can only speak for myself to provide a tiny view into a ever complex world. Also the where and why these ideals of intrinsic separation within both the African American and gay communities comes from when you’re both gay and an ethnic minority. Also be patient as I do ramble.

Unfortunately I know all too well the reaction that Frank received over the last week. I’ve seen and experienced it first hand, though not anywhere near the degree of what he’s experiencing right now. Whenever the fact that I’m gay comes into play from this same mindset is hard, abrasive, and so cold. In some cases it can be more overt and derisive, mean-spirited, and flat out vitriol. But I do understand it. Contrary to popular belief, when homosexuality is brought up in the African American community it has the same reaction in any other community of ethnicity in the Western Hemisphere with varied reactions. This is by no means an admonishment that African Americans are more homophobic. That’s a lie. The reaction is from those that are homophobic as a way of protection for the community. Doesn’t make sense, does it? I’ll try to show you why I feel this way. This happens in the gay community to ethnic minorites as well and it’s very covert, almost unrecognizable until mentioned when the color of one’s skin is seen as detrimental to the community. Even though gays are fighting now for equality this method of separation is also a defense mechanism as to those with these views, one more negative is seen as too much of a roadblock in the movement.  Both groups are ostracized for what they are and any other perceived negative characteristic that’s seen in the group his heavily criticized, mocked, even threatened because each community does not want any more negative associations. Basically being either gay or an ethnic minority is one thing, but being both draws to much attention to the fight for equality so some in the community turn on you. For instance, I was told during an LGBTQ rally several years ago to not march in front because it would be too “controversial” to the cause.

Quite honestly it shatters my heart every single time I search inside my collective memory and examine these  feelings. I come to the realization of this deep yet unspoken divide when race and homosexuality is housed as a dichotomy. See, I’m from two very distinct and different worlds; the gay world and the black/African descent world. But at times I don’t feel welcomed in either and it hurts like hell. Who wants to be told that the biggest reason a guy is dating you is because it’s exoctic or he wanted to “give black a try at least once” (this relationship didn’t last past that date and he was a horrible kisser). There’s division amongst each world and it’s disconcerting to say the least and it’s hard enough when you’re already faced with petty and superficial issues come in to play like skin and/or color being too light (yes this does exist) in the African American Community and being judged in the infrastructure of the gay community on every single physical flaw. But what do you do when you’re both gay and African American (acutally I’m African American, Irish, Creole, Native American, Jamaican, and Israeli but you get the point) and feel ostracized by both communites when standing up for equal rights? When you are criticized and mocked from those you should feel comfort from, what do you say and how it makes you feel. Again, I can only speak of my own experience and I dare not view myself as an expert but maybe showing my perspective can get some good dialogue on the subject on what can be done.

The issues go even deeper than the aforementioned ones. When you’re at a club and the hottest guy there talks to you, flirts, laughs, even buys you a couple of drinks and then says “you’d be perfect if you weren’t black” (my straight friend wanted to break his face…in fact I had to throw myself against him and grapple against the bar to stop him from pulverizing him) to when hanging out with so called friends who are African Americans and being told you’re “whitewashed”, trying to assimilate, a sad Uncle Tom, or as a prank they try to throw bleach on you so that you’ll “blend with the white man” and all his “perversions”. These are amplified when you’re both. It’s blatant and believed to be law while you simply accept it. That is nor will it ever be who I am. When these relatively small yet life impacting events happened, I always wondered is it because I’m 6’4 180lbs I look like I can handle myself quite well in a fight that the frequency isn’t more. But from other stories that I’ve been told from other friend that are hybrids, or belonging to two worlds yet separated by some in those communities, show the more susceptible you appear to be the more often stories like these happen. Sadly, I have to carry this mindset around daily. These issues are deep and they have a history and why we still see them in our worlds today.

Take the discussion of human and civil rights in our country now. Both the LGBTQ and African American (as well as all ethnic minorites) recognize that discrimination still exists in our world and we fight our oppressors by being advocates. So what about those of us that are often seen as weird hybrid anomalies of both or multiple groups? More importantly, why arent these two groups working together? Am I biased because I belong to both? Of course I’m biased but that doesnt negate my point. Both want equality so why not go for the tried and true proverbial strength in numbers? Here are my insights to this dichotomy.

WHY IT’S STILL THERE

This dichotomy reminds me of a discussion I had with two of my friends who were also African American as an undergrad in college. We were discussing the NAACP and what they as well as other groups were doing to stop discrimination and I brought up how there are similarities to the gay rights movement. One friend who is straight vehemently agreed with my point while the other became so frustrated he could barely speak. I asked why he was so upset and he responded that comparing the two was like making lite of the civil rights movement. Bewildered I made the argument that both are fighting for equal rights and I wasn’t trying to take anything from any one. He calmed down but needless to say he never discussed politics and social justice with me again. And since then I’ve often thought of what these two worlds I belong to could benefit and successfully help achieve equality for all. But in order to do so, this argument needs to be addressed so that progress is made.

The biggest argument my friend made of why these two groups can’t find commonality in our fight for equality which doesn’t make any sense but I heard him out. His view was that some African Americans feel when gay rights are compared to civil rights movement is that race/ethnicity is more identifiable. In other words, you can always see my skin color but you may not be so easy to identify my sexuality. There’s no gay dress code or easy way to completely identify someone as gay unless we say so or put it on a t-shirt. In terms of race, we as humans use categorization, a term used in psychology that is rooted in the philosophy of Aristotle, which is as humans, we immediately compare and contrast ourselves with everyone around us. Historically, we do this instinctively for recognition, familial purposes, and defense mechanisms. It makes it easier for the brain as it always is processing information.  It’s problematic when phenomena such as ethnocentricism come into play. This results in human groups using differences to oppress other groups. So it’s believed that many African Americans feel because of these categorizations potential discrimination and acts of violence can be avoided for the LGBTQ community which isnt an option for most African Americans simply because of skin color.

This gave me further insight of why there’s so much hostility towards a gay man from those that are homophobic in the African American community. Any visibility that adds any further hurdles are seen as threats from some in the community and in a sense is a defense mechanism to protect the community as a whole. May sound far fetched, but look at it from my viewpoint. Is the argument going to be about gays or blacks? Is this going to impose danger on my family? The notion of it being because the African American community is seen as more religious (also a defense mechanism) is false. That reaction you’re seeing now on twitter and other social media sites from those very verbal homophobes is fear that it will affect the entire community. This is where the ‘one up’ syndrome comes into play. the my struggles are deeper than yours, which matter in context, but not in practice. we want equal treatment and rights. That should be our focus.

My history, our histories of oppresion from laws like the Grandfather Clause and Jim Crow laws 3/5 Compromises, to Stonewall, DOMA, Marches on Washington, EDNA, and all the ridicule, persecution, torture, and death in between carry so much weight with how we continue to fight for equal rights for the LGBTQ and all ethnic minority communities. Despite the strong similarities there are differences. There is still malpractice when it comes to preventing ethnic minority groups from voting today because of race not so much for sexuality. Also racism is also still reflected in education, socioeconomic status whereas these differences aren’t seen in the LGBTQ community. And I have only scratched the surface of our histories as it belongs to all of us. While both communities have seen progress the prevalent issues result in marginalizing each others past. I understood this point of view to an extent. Even though my skin color varies because of my rich ancestral background, you will always be able to identify that I’m not “100% Caucasian” (really who the hell is 100% anything other than human?)

WHERE IT BEGAN

The Civil Rights Movement began with the Suffragette Movement here in America. Equal voting rights of women were fought for and members were encouraged, and notably both men and women joined the fight for equality.  Men and women fought together for equality even though this issue affected women. The movement later was coined to the fight for equal rights of African Americans in America during the apex of legislation changes in the 50s and 60s. And this brought all races and backgrounds for equal rights. These examples of dichotomous entities working together for a common goal is not seen in the aforementioned communities that this examination of my psyche is focusing on. The ideology is ‘masking” that is when confronted with a situation where race or sexual orientation is targeted for hateful or malicious practices, that someone from the LGBTQ community is able to mask or blend in when faced with these situations. And it is believed for the most part African Americans, as well as other people of color are unable to do so. I wonder if there is an unspoken animosity because of masking. Again, I don’t know because I’m a hybrid, and therefore am able to answer definitively but this is what I believe led to these defense mechanisms and this over reaction that I talked about earlier in regards to Frank Ocean.

Recently I discussed my heated debate in college with a fellow gay rights advocate. While discussing her desire to marry her partner, I brought up the earlier argument a few years ago I had in college. I was surprised by the counterargument she made which was in the LGBTQ community, that there is belief that African Americans and other racial minorities in America are not told who they can and cannot marry, unless of course a hybrid like me that is an LGBTQ person themselves and as a result not able to help bring forth equality for us LGBTQ. That a straight African American can marry any other (straight) adult they want and not openly discriminated against without swift action both morally and legally compared to discrimination and violence. Those of us that are LGBTQ can be mocked, teased, and bullied openly most often times with praise rather than condemnation from society and only when there’s public outcry is it more likely to see justice and prevention from our government. She had a valid point in which I agreed. However when I asked her again if she saw the similarities, she said no and felt that discrimination for African Americans were not as severe as those against the LGBTQ community. And so again the ‘one up’ syndrome has gotten in the way once again of progress. These differences are important and do need recognition but not at the expense of true equality.

I saw her point but it feels unfair to say one groups struggles are virtually over while the other is facing an uphill battle and by far the argument that infuriates me the most. The “who’s had it worse” argument. Does it really matter? We both want equality right? We have to observe history to not repeat it but this is NOT a contest. And she too, no longer discusses this area of politics with me (which made me wonder do I have this effect on people? But I digress). Does the degree of one equality matter? I kept thinking “Is this a thing that can be measured and actively used by both communities?” and continues to be a prevalent thought on my mind. But can you see the symmetry of sorts? African Americans are judged immediately by appearance due to skin color while LGBTQ are prevented from being themselves and in most states denied equal rights. Both immoral. Both unethical. And definitely unconstitutional.  Both disriminated and oppressed yet neither reaching out to achieve the same goal of equality. Yet still why are these issues dividing instead of unifying?

WHERE WE NEED TO GO

With the need to either systematically discriminate by ostracizing perceived threats by a loud few or one up each other’s suffering as a community left me with my biggest question: Is my homosexuality in competition with my race for true equality and abolishment from discrimination from both communities? It’s vital to focus on the intent and desired goals and keeping the history in context and not open ended intrepration and that is the only significant difference are events but not purpose. So those differences doesn’t mean better or worse, it just means different. That’s the message that the LGBTQ leaders and ethnic minority leaders like the NAACP activists need to convey in their messages. That one group isn’t trying to diminish or make light of each others history. So I or anyone else don’t have to worry about which societal worlds I am from but rather be a part of one world, where everyone is welcome.

I am so glad I was raised with such a high resolve and deep compassion within my heart as these things would’ve broken me otherwise. These things still do get to me as evidenced by my repeated editory rambles and frequent stops to let out a quiet cry. The solution is within us. I know it is. We don’t have to one up another group to elevate ourselves to victory or knock others down to ascend to equality. And ostracize members of our own group simply because they belong to another. We’re better than that. We have to stop holding each other back and hold each other up in which I’ll leave you with this:

“When born of two worlds but welcomed to none I will gather strength from flexible deep rooted branches strong enough to build bridges for everyone”.